Before you get a knot in your knickers, notice this historical marker. My clan came from Ireland. I can say what I want. James told me so when we visited.
If that doesn’t soothe you, read the World’s Longest Disclaimer.
All better now? Good. Let’s giggle!
An American is touring the Irish countryside. Hungry, he stops at a farm and asks for a meal. The lady of the house serves him a bowl of soup.
While eating, the American notices there’s a pig in the house that keeps walking up to him, snorting, and walking away.
“That is the friendliest pig I’ve ever met,” the American said.
“He’s not friendly at all,” she replied. “That’s his bowl you’re using.”
Q: Why are Irish jokes so simplistic?
A: So American presidential candidates can understand them.
McForgy, a taster at the Guinness brewery, fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. Leary, McForgy’s boss, went to tell McForgy’s wife the devastating news. When she opened her front door she noticed Leary’s crestfallen face.
“Oh my God! What’s wrong? Where is my husband?” she cried out.
“McForgy fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned, missus.”
The widow McForgy burst into tears. “Did he at least die quickly?
“Not really, missus. He got out of the vat three times to use the restroom.”
An Irishman was in Minnesota for Christmas. Unable to find a parking spot at the Mall of America, he began to pray.
“Lord, I can’t do this by myself! If you open a space for me I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I’ll go to church every Sunday!”
Instantly, the sky darkened, and a ray of sunshine lit up an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman made the sign of the cross and said, “Never mind, I found one!”
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
“I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American cash money to anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness Stout back to back.”
The room is quiet. No one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man leaves but returns five minutes later and taps the Texan on the shoulder..
“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
“Yessir. Bartender, line up ten pints of Guinness Stout!”
The Irishman rips into all ten pint glasses, releases a deafening belch, and sits down at the bar.
The Texan gives the Irishman $500 as the other pub customers cheer.
Staring at the Irishman in amazement, the Texan says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that five minutes you were gone?”
“Oh, sorry. I went to the pub next door to make sure I could do it first.”